One of the problems I’ve often encountered in discussing speculative claims is that many readers aren’t familiar with the concept of the burden of proof and therefore feel that the skeptic has an equal obligation to disprove a claim that the advocate has in proving it. But “prove me wrong” just doesn’t work as science or history; otherwise, we’d spend all our days trying to disprove the existence of every wild claim ever made and have to provisionally accept anything anyone ever said as true until proved otherwise to the satisfaction of the most diehard believer. And as we’ve seen, no evidence will ever convince the most zealous advocates that they are wrong. That’s why science deals in probabilities, not absolutes, and makes provisional claims based on evidence, not absolute truth claims from dogma.
In the comments thread to one of my earlier blog posts about America Unearthed, one reader took exception to my suggestion that the evidence Scott Wolter used to spin his stories was no better than the stories of unicorns. Why should Wolter have all the fun? I thought it might be entertaining to use the America Unearthed system of speculation to see if we can “prove” that unicorns exist. So, here is my outline for how to develop a new episode of America Unearthed entirely from hot air. Read and enjoy, but note that nothing here is as it seems….
In the comments thread to one of my earlier blog posts about America Unearthed, one reader took exception to my suggestion that the evidence Scott Wolter used to spin his stories was no better than the stories of unicorns. Why should Wolter have all the fun? I thought it might be entertaining to use the America Unearthed system of speculation to see if we can “prove” that unicorns exist. So, here is my outline for how to develop a new episode of America Unearthed entirely from hot air. Read and enjoy, but note that nothing here is as it seems….
AMERICA UNHINGED: Unicorns in America?
The show should start with a sepia-toned recreation of an old-timey person walking through some woods. His jaw will drop as he sees… a CGI unicorn!
We’ll need some splashy graphics, like these:
We’ll need some splashy graphics, like these:
And a good intro: HISTORY AS WE KNOW IT IS WRONG! Academic elites are keeping the truth from you! Facts can lie, but TV never does. Then we’ll start the show proper.
To begin, we’ll need some wild stories that someone, somewhere once encountered a unicorn. This should preferably have occurred in the backwoods of rural America and have taken place sometime between 1500 and 1925 to ensure no living person survives to confirm the story. Can we do this? Yes, we can.
In exploring the land of Spanish Florida in his second voyage of 1565, Sir John Hawkins recorded in his journal that he encountered evidence of unicorns:
To begin, we’ll need some wild stories that someone, somewhere once encountered a unicorn. This should preferably have occurred in the backwoods of rural America and have taken place sometime between 1500 and 1925 to ensure no living person survives to confirm the story. Can we do this? Yes, we can.
In exploring the land of Spanish Florida in his second voyage of 1565, Sir John Hawkins recorded in his journal that he encountered evidence of unicorns:
The Floridians have pieces of unicorns’ horns, which they wear about their necks, whereof the Frenchmen obtained many pieces. Of those unicorns they have many; for that they do affirm it to be a beast with one horn, which, coming to the river to drink, putteth the same into the water before he drinketh. Of this unicorn’s horn there are of our company that, having gotten the same of the Frenchmen, brought home thereof to show.
John Davis, the arctic explorer fooled by the Zeno Map, reported that he found unicorn horns as far up as 67 degrees north latitude in 1588, in the hands of an Inuit:
Of them I had a darte with a bone in it, or a piece of Unicornes horne, as I did judge. This dart he made store of, but when he saw a knife, he let it go, being more desirous of the knife than of his dart.
Further, Dr. Olfert Dapper in Die Unbekannte Nue Welt (1673) writes that there were unicorns in Maine. In Odell Shepard’s translation:
On the Canadian border there are sometimes seen animals resembling horses, but with cloven roofs, rough manes, a long straight horn upon the forehead, a curled tail like that of the wild boar, black eyes, and a neck like that of the stag. They live in the loneliest wildernesses and are so shy that the males do not even pasture with the females except in the season of rut, when they are not so wild. As soon as this season is past, however, they fight not only with other beasts but even with those of their own kind.
So, now we have historic sightings up and down America’s east coast—the very coast where the European voyagers must have landed after leaving Europe. According to Hawkins, we also have “horns” as artifacts, which means that we can then do some fake geological tests to “prove” that these horns are in fact more than 500 years old and therefore genuine. Fossilized bone can’t easily be tested for DNA, so as long as its fossilized no one can prove it’s not a unicorn horn. How did unicorns get here, and what don’t academics want you to know?
We should also see if a famous historical figure, preferably a major European with occult connections, had anything to say about unicorns. Oh, here we go. Leonardo da Vinci talked about unicorns in his notebooks: “The unicorn, through its intemperance and not knowing how to control itself, for the love it bears to fair maidens forgets its ferocity and wildness; and laying aside all fear it will go up to a seated damsel and go to sleep in her lap, and thus the hunters take it.” The traveler Marco Polo also claimed to have seen one: “They have a single large black horn in the middle of the forehead.” Obviously, there is a deep conspiracy connection that the academic elite are covering up? What could it be, and what is the connection to America?
We should fly to Britain to find out because that’s what our travel budget already expensed for other episodes. Experts in medieval lore will explain that the unicorn’s association with virginity and purity meant that it was a symbol of Christ. We will also be amazed to discover that the unicorn is prominently featured on the arms of the United Kingdom. Could this be a coincidence? Of course not. The unicorn, we will learn, was added as a supporter to the heraldic arms of England in 1603, when England, symbolized by a lion, joined with… wait for it… Scotland, in personal union under King James. The unicorn was meant to symbolize Scotland because the unicorn was associated with purity and freedom, but those of us in the know understand that Scotland has an occult connection to the Knights Templar, who fled to Scotland after the suppression of their order, hid the Holy Grail in Rosslyn Chapel, and became the Scottish Rite Freemasons.
We should also see if a famous historical figure, preferably a major European with occult connections, had anything to say about unicorns. Oh, here we go. Leonardo da Vinci talked about unicorns in his notebooks: “The unicorn, through its intemperance and not knowing how to control itself, for the love it bears to fair maidens forgets its ferocity and wildness; and laying aside all fear it will go up to a seated damsel and go to sleep in her lap, and thus the hunters take it.” The traveler Marco Polo also claimed to have seen one: “They have a single large black horn in the middle of the forehead.” Obviously, there is a deep conspiracy connection that the academic elite are covering up? What could it be, and what is the connection to America?
We should fly to Britain to find out because that’s what our travel budget already expensed for other episodes. Experts in medieval lore will explain that the unicorn’s association with virginity and purity meant that it was a symbol of Christ. We will also be amazed to discover that the unicorn is prominently featured on the arms of the United Kingdom. Could this be a coincidence? Of course not. The unicorn, we will learn, was added as a supporter to the heraldic arms of England in 1603, when England, symbolized by a lion, joined with… wait for it… Scotland, in personal union under King James. The unicorn was meant to symbolize Scotland because the unicorn was associated with purity and freedom, but those of us in the know understand that Scotland has an occult connection to the Knights Templar, who fled to Scotland after the suppression of their order, hid the Holy Grail in Rosslyn Chapel, and became the Scottish Rite Freemasons.
Arms of the United Kingdom
We’re getting in deep now.
At Rosslyn Chapel, we learn that the Holy Grail (San greal) was in fact a symbol of the womb of Mary Magdalene, who is believed by occult speculators to have been the wife of Jesus and the mother of his child. Spirited away to France, the bloodline (sang real) spawned by this union gave rise to Merovingian kings on the Continent. Kicked out of power by the Carolingians, they lay hidden, protected by various orders including the Knights Templar until the Catholic Church disbanded the Templars, who moved to Scotland and became Freemasons. There the Christ bloodline eventually became, according to ancient astronaut theorist Laurence Gardner, the Stuarts in Scotland, whose most famous scion was James I of England (James VI of Scotland)!
But what did King James know about unicorns?
To find out, we turn to the King James Bible, commissioned by that monarch, where shockingly we find the mysterious unicorn mentioned throughout, in Job 39:9–12; Psalms 22:21, 29:6; Numbers 23:22, 24:8; and Deuteronomy 33:17.
In fact, the King James Bible seems to encode in its unicorn references a clear description of Templar-Freemason-Holy Grail activities. Psalm 22:21 appears to tell us that the Templars saved the Scottish bloodline of Christ from English corruption: “Save me from the lion’s mouth: for thou hast heard me from the horns of the unicorns.” This secretly-encoded message in the King James Bible seems to be a clear instruction to seek out the true divine bloodline in Scotland, not England. But there’s more: Psalm 29:6 says that God “maketh them also to skip like a calf; Lebanon and Sirion like a young unicorn.” But Sirion is an historical name for Mount Hermon, where the Book of Enoch states that the Fallen Angels descended to mate with human women. Is this a reference to the fact that the unicorn represents the bloodline of divine Christ and mortal Mary Magdalene? Numbers 23:22 tells us what happened next: “God brought them out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn.” Clearly, the King James Bible is telling us that the bloodline escaped the Old World (the evil, corrupt “Egypt”) for the New!
But the Knights Templar connection doesn’t end there. The unicorn was also said to be the special possession of Prester John, a shadowy medieval figure who ruled in either Ethiopia, where the Templars are said to have spirited the Ark of the Covenant and introduced Christianity, or in India, where the Greek writer Ctesias recorded the presence of the unicorn in his History of India 2,500 years ago (Photius, Biblioteca, codicil 72). (Ethiopia is also the only land where the Book of Enoch was preserved… coincidence?)
This same unicorn appears in the art of the Indus Valley civilization thousands of years earlier still.
At Rosslyn Chapel, we learn that the Holy Grail (San greal) was in fact a symbol of the womb of Mary Magdalene, who is believed by occult speculators to have been the wife of Jesus and the mother of his child. Spirited away to France, the bloodline (sang real) spawned by this union gave rise to Merovingian kings on the Continent. Kicked out of power by the Carolingians, they lay hidden, protected by various orders including the Knights Templar until the Catholic Church disbanded the Templars, who moved to Scotland and became Freemasons. There the Christ bloodline eventually became, according to ancient astronaut theorist Laurence Gardner, the Stuarts in Scotland, whose most famous scion was James I of England (James VI of Scotland)!
But what did King James know about unicorns?
To find out, we turn to the King James Bible, commissioned by that monarch, where shockingly we find the mysterious unicorn mentioned throughout, in Job 39:9–12; Psalms 22:21, 29:6; Numbers 23:22, 24:8; and Deuteronomy 33:17.
In fact, the King James Bible seems to encode in its unicorn references a clear description of Templar-Freemason-Holy Grail activities. Psalm 22:21 appears to tell us that the Templars saved the Scottish bloodline of Christ from English corruption: “Save me from the lion’s mouth: for thou hast heard me from the horns of the unicorns.” This secretly-encoded message in the King James Bible seems to be a clear instruction to seek out the true divine bloodline in Scotland, not England. But there’s more: Psalm 29:6 says that God “maketh them also to skip like a calf; Lebanon and Sirion like a young unicorn.” But Sirion is an historical name for Mount Hermon, where the Book of Enoch states that the Fallen Angels descended to mate with human women. Is this a reference to the fact that the unicorn represents the bloodline of divine Christ and mortal Mary Magdalene? Numbers 23:22 tells us what happened next: “God brought them out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn.” Clearly, the King James Bible is telling us that the bloodline escaped the Old World (the evil, corrupt “Egypt”) for the New!
But the Knights Templar connection doesn’t end there. The unicorn was also said to be the special possession of Prester John, a shadowy medieval figure who ruled in either Ethiopia, where the Templars are said to have spirited the Ark of the Covenant and introduced Christianity, or in India, where the Greek writer Ctesias recorded the presence of the unicorn in his History of India 2,500 years ago (Photius, Biblioteca, codicil 72). (Ethiopia is also the only land where the Book of Enoch was preserved… coincidence?)
This same unicorn appears in the art of the Indus Valley civilization thousands of years earlier still.
Indus Valley unicorn seal.
The Indus Valley civilization, one of the oldest on earth, lost its place to the Aryan invasion, according to nineteenth century scholars, who of course must be correct because they are old and therefore smarter than twenty-first century scholars. These Aryans spread from India to England, and they must have adopted the unicorn as their symbol when they became civilized after conquering India. As a result, the warrior caste of these Aryans (confirmed to exist by scholars of Indo-European society) must have been the precursors to the Knights Templar. Consider: Both groups rode horses, used weapons and armor, recited epic poetry, and took orders from a high-ranking spiritual elite. Clearly they are the same people.
Now, America Unearthed already established that medieval and ancient peoples did not make up fanciful depictions of, say, dinosaurs, and rock drawings of boats are accurate enough to identify the specific type of ship, so any depiction must be a real creature. Given the wide range of unicorns depicted in art from the Indus Valley to the Middle Ages, we must conclude that there is good evidence for unicorns, especially since medieval apothecaries stocked “unicorn horn” among their medical offerings and we all know that if there is an artifact attached, it must be a real animal. In 1663, an entire unicorn skeleton was uncovered in Germany, buried in limestone—like the famous Tucson caliche—and was reconstructed by Gottfried Wilhelm von Leibnitz, becoming the toast of Europe. Its horn still exists today and can be geologically tested to “prove” it is ancient… no, wait, let’s “prove” it’s medieval instead. Caliche only takes a few hundred years to form, right?
So what does this tell us? America Unearthed established that the Knights Templar came to America and explored the East Coast (where they built the Newport Tower). Certainly a branch of them came prior to Columbus, but why? Could they have been looking for their predecessors, the “precursors” who buried the Tucson Artifacts in the 800s CE? And would they have used unicorns to find them?
Clearly, when the precursors left Europe for Arizona because “some Muslim group,” as Scott Wolter has established, had forced them from Europe, they took with them their most precious cargo: A member of the bloodline of Christ and his guardian unicorns. Every divine figure had his or her guardian animals. Just as Zeus had his bulls and Marduk his dragon, so too did Christ have his unicorn. His descendant would, of course, have needed an escort of unicorns to serve at his court.
We also know that when the conquistador Hernando de Soto arrived in the New World to explore the southern United States, he brought pigs with him. Some of these pigs escaped and went feral, becoming the razorbacks of the South. Some of the unicorn herd the Templar precursors brought with them must have escaped as they made their way down the east coast, producing the herds of wild unicorns found in Maine and in Florida. From the distribution of unicorns, we know that the Templars precursors must have sailed the northerly route, from Scotland to Iceland to Greenland to Canada and then down the east coast.
Or perhaps the more recent Templars of the 1300s brought their unicorns with them when they built the Newport Tower. We know from John of Hesse that unicorns roamed the Holy Land in 1389, when he saw one, so obviously the Templars had access to unicorns during the two centuries when they were headquartered atop Jerusalem’s Temple Mount. Unicorns were still active in the Sinai region in 1483 when Felix Fabri saw one, but by then they were by then on the brink of extinction. The last unicorn supposedly died at Mecca around 1600. Did the Templars bring these unicorns to America to save them from Muslim and Catholic hostility and extinction?
We’ll never know until we perform some spurious geological testing on the unicorn horns in the possession of Native American groups to see if any date back before 1300 CE. This will let us establish which Templar or pre-Templar group brought unicorns and a descendant of Christ to America.
But what happened to the Christ kid? Tune in next week to find out which digital-tier cable host is the lineal descendant of Jesus and a candidate to be the Last World Emperor!
The above speculation is based on actual facts, though the interpretations given above are of course complete lies. The actual truth is this:
Now, America Unearthed already established that medieval and ancient peoples did not make up fanciful depictions of, say, dinosaurs, and rock drawings of boats are accurate enough to identify the specific type of ship, so any depiction must be a real creature. Given the wide range of unicorns depicted in art from the Indus Valley to the Middle Ages, we must conclude that there is good evidence for unicorns, especially since medieval apothecaries stocked “unicorn horn” among their medical offerings and we all know that if there is an artifact attached, it must be a real animal. In 1663, an entire unicorn skeleton was uncovered in Germany, buried in limestone—like the famous Tucson caliche—and was reconstructed by Gottfried Wilhelm von Leibnitz, becoming the toast of Europe. Its horn still exists today and can be geologically tested to “prove” it is ancient… no, wait, let’s “prove” it’s medieval instead. Caliche only takes a few hundred years to form, right?
So what does this tell us? America Unearthed established that the Knights Templar came to America and explored the East Coast (where they built the Newport Tower). Certainly a branch of them came prior to Columbus, but why? Could they have been looking for their predecessors, the “precursors” who buried the Tucson Artifacts in the 800s CE? And would they have used unicorns to find them?
Clearly, when the precursors left Europe for Arizona because “some Muslim group,” as Scott Wolter has established, had forced them from Europe, they took with them their most precious cargo: A member of the bloodline of Christ and his guardian unicorns. Every divine figure had his or her guardian animals. Just as Zeus had his bulls and Marduk his dragon, so too did Christ have his unicorn. His descendant would, of course, have needed an escort of unicorns to serve at his court.
We also know that when the conquistador Hernando de Soto arrived in the New World to explore the southern United States, he brought pigs with him. Some of these pigs escaped and went feral, becoming the razorbacks of the South. Some of the unicorn herd the Templar precursors brought with them must have escaped as they made their way down the east coast, producing the herds of wild unicorns found in Maine and in Florida. From the distribution of unicorns, we know that the Templars precursors must have sailed the northerly route, from Scotland to Iceland to Greenland to Canada and then down the east coast.
Or perhaps the more recent Templars of the 1300s brought their unicorns with them when they built the Newport Tower. We know from John of Hesse that unicorns roamed the Holy Land in 1389, when he saw one, so obviously the Templars had access to unicorns during the two centuries when they were headquartered atop Jerusalem’s Temple Mount. Unicorns were still active in the Sinai region in 1483 when Felix Fabri saw one, but by then they were by then on the brink of extinction. The last unicorn supposedly died at Mecca around 1600. Did the Templars bring these unicorns to America to save them from Muslim and Catholic hostility and extinction?
We’ll never know until we perform some spurious geological testing on the unicorn horns in the possession of Native American groups to see if any date back before 1300 CE. This will let us establish which Templar or pre-Templar group brought unicorns and a descendant of Christ to America.
But what happened to the Christ kid? Tune in next week to find out which digital-tier cable host is the lineal descendant of Jesus and a candidate to be the Last World Emperor!
The above speculation is based on actual facts, though the interpretations given above are of course complete lies. The actual truth is this:
- The unicorns of the King James Bible are a translation of the Greek monoceros, translating the Hebrew re’em in light of a stylized form of Assyrian art where bulls were depicted in profile, so only one horn was visible.
- There is no bloodline of Christ; this myth was fabricated in the twentieth century.
- The Knights Templar had no connection to the Freemasons, nor were they descended from an Aryan warrior priesthood.
- Medieval apothecaries ground up narwhal horns, mammoth tusks, and other bones and believed they belonged to unicorns; some just committed fraud and called anything unicorn horn.
- Marco Polo reported on a rhinoceros.
- The unicorn horns seen by John Hawkins were probably various animal teeth and bones.
- John Davis’s unicorn horns actually belonged to narwhals.
- Leibniz’s unicorn skeleton was actually a fossil elephant from the Pleistocene.
- There are no unicorn herds in the United States.
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