"Europe Unearthed" (Parody): Secret Quetzalcoatl Bloodline Pineapple Cult Rules Europe

Apparently the most controversial thing I have ever written is the suggestion that America Unearthed is making use of nineteenth century imperialist and colonialist propaganda without recognizing the cultural and racial origins of the claims, specifically their origin in the Euro-American effort to obtain lands once held by Native Americans. This had led to accusations that I am “race-baiting” or otherwise obsessed with race.

I think that a thought experiment is in order, and I hope it will help readers to understand why the appropriation of Native American cultures and accomplishments in service of a Eurocentric narrative is an insult not just to Native Americans but to history itself. So, I am asking you to suspend your disbelief for a moment and put yourself in the position of someone tuning in to watch a show very much like America Unearthed, but just a little…different.

To perform this thought experiment, I will use only fringe history claims that have been advocated by fringe history writers, but I will draw different conclusions from them. Again, let me repeat: All of the following “evidence” is drawn directly from fringe history writers’ works. Please note that I do not believe any of the claims, and many are intentionally misleading or incomplete, as is typical of fringe history. I hope that in suspending disbelief for a few minutes you will be offended and insulted by at least some of the fictitious claims below and thus see why cultural appropriation is so troubling.

For our thought experiment, let’s imagine a fictional television show that could never be broadcast on a cable television channel aimed at upscale American audiences. Let’s call it Europe Unearthed, and let’s see what’s on today’s show:

Cold Open
German-Gallic border, 60 BCE. From a storm-tossed ocean, a canoe washes ashore. Contained within are two Native Americans. Stunned Romans in togas look on as the Native Americans attempt to communicate with the strange, primitive native people of Europe. The Romans, in their ignorance, assume these men are from India and rush to their leader to tell great tales of the amazing teachers who have come from the sea.

Intro
There is a hidden history on this continent. There are longhouses, petroglyphs, cliff-dwellings, and pyramids. They’re all over this continent. We’re going to investigate these artifacts and sites, and we’re going to get to the truth. Sometimes history isn’t what we’ve been told.

Investigation
The history books we all grew up with tell us that European history is the story of a people in isolation, Europeans who built the Roman and medieval civilizations without ever meeting anyone from the New World. But I think the academics are wrong, and I think they’re covering up a big secret, one that reveals the true history of Europe.

According to conventional history, the Roman Empire fell because of a combination of religious revolution brought on by Christians and invasion from mysterious peoples from beyond the empire’s borders. Historians call these people “barbarians,” but no one really know exactly who they were or where they came from. In 500 CE, Teotihuacan in Mexico was the largest, most prosperous city in the world and the only power rich enough to seriously rival Rome, but mainstream historians want us to believe that backward native peoples of Eastern Europe somehow managed to destroy the Roman Empire.

I believe that there is a hidden history centered on a class of itinerant Native American merchant-warriors called pochteca who came to this continent repeatedly and did so to escape persecution at home and to protect a great secret: the divine bloodline of the god Quetzalcoatl.

My quest takes me from Gaul in the north to Pompeii in the south and across the face of Roman and medieval Europe in search of the secret society of pochteca, and the earlier proto-pochteca, as well as what I believe was a militant side-order or pochteca who intermarried with European nobility in order to gain control over Europe and make a major land claim to most of what is today Western Europe.

My journey starts in France, on what is today the Belgian border, where in 60 BCE two Native Americans may have come ashore and met with the Roman proconsul Quintus Caecilius Metellus Celer, as reported in Pliny the Elder (Natural History 2.67) and Pomponius Mela (De situ orbis 3.45). Although both authors identify these men as being from India, a secret stream of knowledge known only to high ranking elites proves that these were in fact people from America. The Spanish historian Francisco López de Gómara tells us that the men in fact came from Newfoundland or Labrador (Historia general de las Indias, ch. 10), the obvious last port of call for Mesoamerican merchants en route to Europe.

That makes them part of a continent-wide order of religious specialists from the New World that I believe infiltrated and took over the Aztec long-distant merchants, the pochteca, a group that was very wealthy and threatened the livelihood of the Aztec emperors. This itinerant class of merchants weren’t just businessmen: they were also a military order. They were entrusted with the secret communications of the Aztec emperors as well as with serving as spies around the world. This made them very rich. But because they weren’t of noble blood, they had to hide their wealth lest the aristocracy persecute them, just as they did Quetzalcoatl. This gave them every reason to seek out new lands where they could live free from persecution.

And wherever they went, they served a secret god, Yacatecuhtli, an occult form of Quetzalcoatl. This god’s symbol was a bunch of sticks, almost certainly the inspiration for the Roman fasces. Wherever you look in Europe, you find bunches of sticks, and this is clear proof that the pochteca and their worship of Quetzalcoatl continues in Europe today. I believe the pochteca came to this continent to practice their religion—and to protect the descendants of Quetzalcoatl.

Another symbol, besides the bundle of sticks, that announces the presence of the pochteca is the pineapple. At the House of the Ephebe in Pompeii, we find on a mural a picture of what looks like a pineapple, a fruit native to South America and accessible only to warrior-merchants like the pochteca. Is it a coincidence that by the eighteenth century, doorways of elite houses often featured carved images of the pineapple? Or that at the feasts of European nobles the pineapple was literally placed at the center of the table, symbolizing the central role of the pochteca cult? In fact, the pineapple was such an important symbol of the occult power or the Quetzalcoatl cult that European elites posed for portraits receiving this rare and symbolic fruit. Here is Britain’s King Charles II announcing his Quetzalcoatl cult indoctrination with a pineapple in the late 1600s:

And here is a cult building in Edinburgh:

But while the evidence I’ve seen has me convinced that the pochteca were active in medieval Europe and probably inspired the Knights Templar—another rich order or merchant-warriors—I want to know more about what came earlier. And I think mythology can help us out.

I turned to the stories of Quetzalcoatl, and I was amazed at the similarity between Quetzalcoatl and Jesus Christ. In fact, there are so many similarities that everyone from the Mormon Church to respected ancient astronaut theorists agrees that the two must have been one and the same. Both were born of virgins, were kind and gentle, performed miracles, tried to end blood sacrifices, prophesied the future, sent out disciples, suffered persecution, and were the one and only God (Sahagún, Historia General de Las Cosas de Nueva España, 10.29; Torquemada, Monarchia Indiana 6.24). Interestingly, Quetzalcoatl wore a white robe with a red cross on it, just like the robes adopted later by the Knights Templar (Torquemada 6.24).

There was also a belief that Quetzalcoatl was a god in the sky as well as a physical man on the earth, just as in the doctrine of God the Father and God the Son.

We further read that Quetzalcoatl, after his persecution, boarded a ship and sailed away to the east. Since the oldest evidence of Quetzalcoatl dates back to the Teotihuacan period, around the first century BCE, this is strong evidence that the followers of Quetzalcoatl went with him to Europe and then to Palestine, where the ignorant natives of the Roman Empire began worshiping him not just as a great teacher but as the Christ. His secret name, Yacatecuhtli, could easily be corrupted from Yaca to Yesa to Jesus by those unfamiliar with Mesoamerican languages.

Remember that Augustus Le Plongeon and the Mayan scholar Don Antonio Batres Jauregui (as well as the chronicler of Mu, Col. James Churchward) confirmed that “Jesus” spoke an old form of Mayan on the cross, a clear bit of evidence that he is simply a version of Quetzalcoatl!

But what I’m interested in is what became of the Holy Bloodline, the lineal descendants of Quetzalcoatl.

It’s not possible to know, of course, whether the Native Americans who arrived in Gaul in 60 BCE were part of Quetzalcoatl’s party, or whether they were simply paving the way for what was to come later. I believe they were coming to assert a land claim to Europe, which in their culture involved visiting a land and instituting trade relations, something Pliny and Mela assert that they did. But it’s certain that Quetzalcoatl was simply the most important figure in a long bloodline of secret societies stretching back to the ancient Olmec, the originators of the religious system we now call “Egyptian,” who came to Africa around 2500 BCE, taught the Egyptians to build pyramids, and carved the Sphinx in their image.

The Sphinx compared to an Olmec head, from Afrocentrist material.

The evidence is everywhere. Everyone knows that the Midéwin rituals of the Ojibwa are suspiciously similar to those of Freemasonry. As the Freemasons themselves explained in 1922, Native Americans across the continent have rituals and rites that are of various degrees of similarity to Masonry, with the rites becoming more primitive as we look farther back in time. By contrast, Masonry appeared all at once and fully formed in Europe, around 1700. The obvious conclusion is that Freemasonry is an import of ancient proto-Midéwin rituals associated with the traveling pochteca, and deep within Masonry lies the truth about the lost descendants of Quetzalcoatl. Could this be the real truth cloaked beneath Masonry’s alleged “secrets”?

Consider this: At Kinver’s Edge in Britain, rural farmers started to carve cliff dwellings that bear a suspicious similarity to the somewhat earlier cliff dwellings of the Ancestral Pueblo (Anasazi) in New Mexico and Arizona—people believed by Prof. Cyclone Covey to have been affiliated with or dominated by the empire of the Toltecs, the ancestors of the Aztecs, if we can believe the tales told on the Tucson Lead Artifacts, which describe interactions with Toltezus, i.e. the Toltecs. If this is true, then the colony of Europeans the proto-pochteca brought back with them from Europe in the 700s is only part of the story. By the time the Toltecs had given way to the Aztecs in the 1200s, the European colony in Arizona had been indoctrinated in the cult of Quetzalcoatl and sent back to Europe to teach the British how to build their own cliff dwellings and worship the feathered serpent.

All of this is fascinating, but we haven’t yet found the descendants of Quetzalcoatl.

To do that, we need to turn to the European legends of brown or dark-skinned people hiding in plain sight, people who must be the descendants of the pochteca who came to Europe and ruled over the native white people as a dominant military force and as gods. The Irish have legends recorded in the Lebor Gabála Érenn that speak of invaders coming from another land, and in Ireland we find an unusual tribe of Black Irish, whom travelers say have black hair, brown eyes, and brownish skin—remnants of a proto-pochteca colony? Could the Black Irish be the last of the pochteca who were sent to make a land claim to Europe and either “went native” or got stuck in a primitive, medieval island? Why is the European Union conspiring to cover up the truth about the real origins of this mysterious, obviously genetically Native American tribe?

And what of the “barbarians” who conquered the Roman Empire? When we listen to the description of Attila the Hun given by Jordanes in the Gothic History, we see a clear picture of a typical Teotihuacan noble: “Short of stature, with a broad chest and a large head; his eyes were small, his beard thin and sprinkled with grey; and he had a flat nose and tanned skin, showing evidence of his origin” (35). Dark skin? Little facial hair? A flat nose? These racial characteristics are identical to the Olmec stone heads, Toltec statues, and Aztec drawings. Attila had to be a proto-pochtecatl re-asserting the Quetzalcoatl cult’s land claim to northern and western Europe.

Quetzalcoatl was said to have become a star, and this can only refer to the use of archaeoastronomy to navigate to Europe by the stars.

The barbarian leadership were obviously pocheteca or proto-pochteca or a side-order of pochteca privy to the secret form of Quetzalcoatl. They came to Europe to assert their land claims and to protect the descendants of Quetzalcoatl, the holy man who had long ago been turned into the indigenous god Jesus and worshiped in his stead. The barbarians were universally called heretics because they followed “Arianism,” a heresy that said that Jesus was subordinate to the Father. Was this merely a memory of the fact that Quetzalcoatl was the dual name of both the supreme god and also the holy human who escaped to Europe? Some say that the barbarians who inherited Europe from Rome were in fact part of the Quetzalcoatl bloodline, and that his secret is something they are willing to use the full force of government to suppress.

Academics and historians don’t want you to know the truth about Europe, but finally it’s all coming together: For hundreds or even thousands of years followers of Quetzalcoatl have been coming to Europe and guiding its leaders in secret. Europeans today worship Jesus and conduct rituals and rites that they don’t realize originated with the powerful cult of Quetzalcoatl, and their leaders are lineal descendants of Quetzalcoatl.

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What did you think reading that? Did you feel a weird sense of dislocation because the typical power structure of fringe history (Europeans conquer non-Europeans) was reversed? Did you feel uneasy about being told that your history is not your own, or that you are worshiping a fake god? Or did you simply treat this as a load of crap because it was so at odds with historical fact that you couldn’t take it seriously? Do you think for a moment that television would serious consider airing such a program?

Now imagine that someone was on TV telling you every week that you are the passive recipient of a secondhand culture misunderstood and bungled from the really interesting people across the sea.

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Almost everything I used above is from actual fringe history sources.

• The claim for Native Americans in Gaul in 60 BCE is advocated by Ivan Van Sertima, Vine Deloria, and Jack Forbes.
• Ditto the pineapple of Pompeii.
• The Quetzalcoatl-Jesus connection was for many years advocated by members of the Mormon Church.
• The Maya-Jesus connection was advocated first by Augustus Le Plongeon, who believed it signaled a connection to Atlantis, which he believed spoke Mayan. It has been frequently repeated in fringe literature from the version of James Churchward.
  
• The Midéwin rituals as Freemason were advocated by some Freemasons and Scott Wolter.
• The Tucson Lead Artifacts’ Toltec claims are advocated by Cyclone Covey, who really is a professor.

I only made up two things: First, I made up the claim about the Black Irish, which I modeled on Scott Wolter’s and other fringe writer’s claims about a “Welsh” origin for the Mandan Indians based on secondhand tales of their skin color. Like fringe writers with the Mandan, I did not bother to visit any Black Irish people or do anything more than a Google search.

Second, I made up the claim about Attila the Hun, which I modeled on Frederick J. Pohl’s claims about the Micmac culture hero and god Glooscap “really” being Henry I Sinclair, Earl of Orkney, based on allegations about his appearance and travels. I used a bit of this for the Jesus claims, too.

Amazing, is it not, how different the claims seem when we reverse the alleged flow of cultural influence and make Europeans the recipients of cultural imperialism.