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Review of Ancient Aliens S03E09: Aliens and Deadly Weapons

9/23/2011

6 Comments

 
The episode of Ancient Aliens that aired last night (September 22, 2011) was devoted to “Aliens and Deadly Weapons”; however, at this point in the show’s run—more than halfway through its third season—the deadliest weapon of all is the boring sameness of the program’s many episodes. Last night’s edition was no different, featuring a mixture of absurd claims unsupported by evidence, leading questions, and a few outright lies. The big news is that some of my critiques of David Hatcher Childress’s and Giorgio Tsoukalos’s “evidence” must have hit home as the program contorted itself to avoid directly citing a famous and fraudulent quotation about nuclear bombs in the Mahabharata. But more on that anon.  

The first dumb claim this hour is the idea that world mythology contains many separate tales of fire being stolen from the gods because aliens gave humans fire. No, the myth of fire from the sky most likely comes from the obvious source of the first fire—lightning. You know: that fire in the sky.

The ancient astronaut theorists then argue that the ancient myths attributed to blacksmiths—myths forbidding the public to gaze upon them, myths making them suspect and magical—prove they were aliens. This is not true. Blacksmiths were considered powerful and magical, but also suspect and unclean, because they could transform lumps of ore into useful weapons and tools—a process that seemed magical. If this does not seem logical to you, remember: The ancients also considered menstruation to be a mythic, magical event that rendered the menstruating woman taboo and unclean. Unless you’d like to argue that the aliens invented menstruation, there is nothing alien to read into the myths of outcast blacksmiths.

Hephaestus
Hephaestus married Aphrodite, so maybe there is some connection after all... Yes, that's it: Love came from aliens! (1874 illustration via Wikimedia Commons)
There is really no way to argue for or against claims that Hephaestus, the Japanese gods, the Archangel Michael, or other figures were actually aliens who interacted with characters like Joan of Arc. “Could Joan of Arc have been given her sword by extraterrestrials who had an interest in the future of France?” the narrator asks. Well, no. But the burden of proof here is to show this sword was made by extraterrestrials, not to disprove a wild allegation. I could very well say the sword was made by angels (as indeed Joan claimed), but to accept the reality of angels would require a bit more evidence than the testimony of an ignorant medieval peasant, or an ignorant ancient astronaut theorist.

Next up we have King Arthur and the sword in the stone, which Giorgio Tsoukalos calls a “biometrical security system.” Excalibur, Arthur's second sword, is of course an alien laser super weapon. Never mind that the story of the sword in the stone is neither unique nor original to the Arthur tale, nor are miraculous swords uncommon (they probably are related to the pagan thunder god's weapons, like Thor's hammer and Zeus's thunderbolt--symbols of lightning, not lasers). When we’re making things up, we can write our own rules.

Arthur and Excalibur
Arthur and Excalibur: Because the aliens keep all the really good electrical technology underwater. (1922 illustration via Wikimedia Commons)
Following this, we are treated to speculation that Greek fire and gunpowder were alien inventions, the formulas bequeathed by extraterrestrials. These claims come entirely from the argument from ignorance. Just because ancient astronaut theorists don’t understand how to make a chemical doesn’t mean no human being ever could. Alfred Nobel managed to invent dynamite without alien help.

Then we had a segment about the alleged deadly weapons of the Mahabharata. Unfortunately, as I have demonstrated not once or twice but three times on separate grounds, these claims are completely false and based on fabrication and lies. Criticism such as mine must be having some impact, however. Ancient Aliens at least refrained from using the completely fabricated quotation that is a standard part of ancient alien theorists’ repertoire. Instead, they contorted themselves to talk around the false quotation, avoiding any direct citation of the Mahabharata. Instead, the talking heads simply asserted that the book contained tales of nuclear bombs and heat-seeking missiles, without ever citing actual passages. This is because those passages, when read in full, bear almost no resemblance to their alleged modern equivalents.

Then it was on to Archimedes and his lasers. This is a problem, of course, because Archimedes  invented a mirror to focus sunbeams without the help of aliens. Galienus writes in De Temperamentis 3.2: "It is in this way, at least I think so, that Archimedes burnt the enemy's vessels. For, by the help of a burning mirror, he may easily set fire to wool, hemp, wood, &c.; and, in short, to any thing dry and light" (source). Zonaras and Tzetzes confirm Galienus' account. This is neither a laser nor extraterrestrial, according to these ancient texts.

That didn't stop Ancient Aliens! “Ancient lasers were probably being used, and that technology probably came from extraterrestrials,” said David Hatcher Childress, who in 2006 blasted me in print for claiming he was an “ancient astronaut theorist,” an allegation he denied, claiming he did not believe in alien intervention. That’s a laugh. Last night he continued: “Extraterrestrials may well have given man these weapons. They want us to be able to defend ourselves, to advance, and to ultimately to [sic] be like them.” So, no aliens, right? Childress is an opportunistic fraud, and each appearance on Ancient Aliens shows how easily he transforms his “research” to match whatever “theory” will give him the most publicity.

The best way to sum up this episode is with a quotation from the lead ancient astronaut theorist: “I refuse to think our ancestors came up with these stories out of thin air,” Tsoukalos said. Fine, but I refuse to believe these stories record alien intervention unless and until someone can present actual evidence of extraterrestrial presence on earth. It seems we are at an impasse. But only one of us has the burden of proving aliens were really here. I’ll wait with baited breath for any real evidence.

6 Comments
r
11/10/2011 01:23:38 pm

jiodkfopaisod[pxcios[popd

Reply
Alix
8/20/2013 11:30:14 pm

Just a head's up: in your collection of Ancient Alien reviews, the link that's supposed to take you here takes you to your review for episode 8 instead.

Reply
Jason Colavito link
8/20/2013 11:31:50 pm

I'll fix it. Thanks.

Reply
A human
12/9/2013 03:07:12 pm

Biometric security system...on a sword. As if that makes sense. You can't swing this sharp object around unless you have the right fingerprints. Also why would aliens be interested in France if later they changed their minds and went to Nazis?

Reply
Will
1/18/2017 07:18:15 pm

"These claims come entirely from the argument from ignorance. Just because ancient astronaut theorists don’t understand how to make a chemical doesn’t mean no human being ever could. Alfred Nobel managed to invent dynamite without alien help."

If you're going to lambast someone or something, please proofread your work and correct the grammer errors..... wtf are you even trying to say in this paragraph?

Reply
TARIS link
10/18/2017 05:42:34 am

Magic electrified warhammers right out of a D@D online fantasy game. Biometric security on a sword. Why the aliens even flew down to ancient Cambodia to hand the local rule a laser sword, and then forget to give him a charger for it! Dumbass aliens. Even more amusing was the dribble about a 'plasma sword' of all things. The AA nut forgot that plasma is a rarified gas, such a sword would not work as the plasma would automatically equalize with the surrounding environment, Star Wars horseshit aside.
This episode has to be one of the silliest so far. The worst was when Tsoukalos and his friends banged on about King Arthur's magic sword. Did a time travelling space ninja from the 51st century leave his or her laser sword behind for Merlin to pick up while banging some chick at a lake shore? God this episode was retarded.

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        • Erich von Däniken
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      • Faking Ancient Art in Uzbekistan
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    • Collection: Skeptic Magazine >
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      • Review of Civilization One
      • Who Lost the Middle Ages
      • Charioteer of the Gods
    • Collection: Ancient History >
      • Prehistoric Nuclear War
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      • Easter Island Exposed
      • Who Built the Sphinx?
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      • Archaeological Cover Up?
    • Collection: The Lovecraft Legacy >
      • Pauwels, Bergier, and Lovecraft
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      • Alien Abduction at the Outer Limits
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    • Scholomance: The Devil's School
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    • Magicians of the Gods Review
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    • James Dean's Cursed Porsche
  • The Library
    • Ancient Mysteries >
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        • Mesopotamian Texts >
          • Atrahasis Epic
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        • Egyptian Texts >
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        • Hermetica >
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          • Book of the 24 Philosophers
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        • Chinese Accounts of Rome
        • Ancient Chinese Automaton
        • The Orphic Argonautica
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        • Annianus on the Watchers
        • The Watchers and Antediluvian Wisdom
      • Medieval Texts >
        • Medieval Legends of Ancient Egypt >
          • Medieval Pyramid Lore
          • John Malalas on Ancient Egypt
          • Fragments of Abenephius
          • Akhbar al-zaman
          • Ibrahim ibn Wasif Shah
          • Murtada ibn al-‘Afif
          • Al-Maqrizi on the Pyramids
          • Al-Suyuti on the Pyramids
        • The Hunt for Noah's Ark
        • Isidore of Seville
        • Book of Liang: Fusang
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        • Book of Thousands
        • Voyage of Saint Brendan
        • Power of Art and of Nature
        • Travels of Sir John Mandeville
        • Yazidi Revelation and Black Book
        • Al-Biruni on the Great Flood
        • Voyage of the Zeno Brothers
        • The Kensington Runestone (Hoax)
        • Islamic Discovery of America
        • The Aztec Creation Myth
      • Lost Civilizations >
        • Atlantis >
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          • Panchaea: The Other Atlantis
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          • Sardinia and Atlantis
          • Santorini and Atlantis
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          • Donnelly's Atlantis
          • Atlantis in Morocco
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          • W. Scott-Elliot >
            • The Story of Atlantis
            • The Lost Lemuria
          • The Lost Atlantis
          • Atlantis in Africa
          • How I Found Atlantis (Hoax)
          • Termier on Atlantis
          • The Critias and Minoan Crete
          • Rebuttal to Termier
          • Further Responses to Termier
          • Flinders Petrie on Atlantis
        • Lost Cities >
          • Miscellaneous Lost Cities
          • The Seven Cities
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          • Manuscript 512
          • The Idolatrous City of Iximaya (Hoax)
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          • The Elephants of Paredon (Hoax)
        • OOPARTs
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        • Tunnels Under Peru
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      • Religious Conspiracies >
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        • Rosslyn Chapel and the 'Prentice's Pillar
        • The Many Wives of Jesus
        • Templar Infiltration of Labor
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        • On the Person of Jesus Christ
      • Giants in the Earth >
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          • Fossils and the Supernatural
          • Fossils, Myth, and Pseudo-History
          • Man During the Stone Age
          • Fossil Bones and Giants
          • American Elephant Myths
          • The Mammoth and the Flood
          • Fossils and Myth
          • Fossil Origin of the Cyclops
          • Mastodon, Mammoth, and Man
        • Fragments on Giants
        • Manichaean Book of Giants
        • Geoffrey on British Giants
        • Alfonso X's Hermetic History of Giants
        • Boccaccio and the Fossil 'Giant'
        • Book of Howth
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        • The Giants of Sardinia
        • Giants and the Sons of God
        • The Magnetism of Evil
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        • Smithsonian Giant Reports
        • Early American Giants
        • The Giant of Coahuila
        • Jewish Encyclopedia on Giants
        • Index of Giants
        • Newspaper Accounts of Giants
        • Lanier's A Book of Giants
      • Science and History >
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        • The Deluge
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        • Old Mythology in New Apparel
        • Blavatsky on Dinosaurs
        • Teddy Roosevelt on Bigfoot
        • Devil Worship in France
        • Maspero's Review of Akhbar al-zaman
        • The Holy Grail as Lucifer's Crown Jewel
        • The Mutinous Sea
        • The Rock Wall of Rockwall
        • Fabulous Zoology
        • The Origins of Talos
        • Mexican Mythology
        • Chinese Pyramids
        • Maqrizi's Names of the Pharaohs
      • Extreme History >
        • Roman Empire Hoax
        • American Antiquities
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        • England, the Remnant of Judah
        • Historical Chronology of the Mexicans
        • Maspero on the Predynastic Sphinx
        • Vestiges of the Mayas
        • Ragnarok: The Age of Fire and Gravel
        • Origins of the Egyptian People
        • The Secret Doctrine >
          • Volume 1: Cosmogenesis
          • Volume 2: Anthropogenesis
        • Phoenicians in America
        • The Electric Ark
        • Traces of European Influence
        • Prince Henry Sinclair
        • Pyramid Prophecies
        • Templars of Ancient Mexico
        • Chronology and the "Riddle of the Sphinx"
        • The Faith of Ancient Egypt
        • Spirit of the Hour in Archaeology
        • Book of the Damned
        • Great Pyramid As Noah's Ark
        • Richard Shaver's Proofs
    • Alien Encounters >
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        • Inquiry into Shaver and Palmer
        • The Skyfort Document
        • Whirling Wheels
        • Denver Ancient Astronaut Lecture
        • Soviet Search for Lemuria
        • Visitors from Outer Space
        • Unidentified Flying Objects (Abstract)
        • "Flying Saucers"? They're a Myth
        • UFO Hypothesis Survival Questions
        • Air Force Academy UFO Textbook
        • The Condon Report on Ancient Astronauts
        • Atlantis Discovery Telegrams
        • Ancient Astronaut Society Telegram
        • Noah's Ark Cables
        • The Von Daniken Letter
        • CIA Psychic Probe of Ancient Mars
        • Scott Wolter Lawsuit
        • UFOs in Ancient China
        • CIA Report on Noah's Ark
        • CIA Noah's Ark Memos
        • Congressional Ancient Aliens Testimony
        • Ancient Astronaut and Nibiru Email
        • Congressional Ancient Mars Hearing
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      • Ancient Extraterrestrials >
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        • The Moon Hoax
        • Inhabitants of Other Planets
        • Blavatsky on Ancient Astronauts
        • The Stanzas of Dzyan (Hoax)
        • Aerolites and Religion
        • What Is Theosophy?
        • Plane of Ether
        • The Adepts from Venus
      • A Message from Mars
      • Saucer Mystery Solved?
      • Orville Wright on UFOs
      • Interdimensional Flying Saucers
      • Flying Saucers Are Real
      • Report on UFOs
    • The Supernatural >
      • The Devils of Loudun
      • Sublime and Beautiful
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      • Defining a Zombie
      • Dread of the Supernatural
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      • Science and Fairy Stories
      • The Cursed Car
    • Classic Fiction >
      • Lucian's True History
      • Some Words with a Mummy
      • The Coming Race
      • King Solomon's Mines
      • An Inhabitant of Carcosa
      • The Xipéhuz
      • Lot No. 249
      • The Novel of the Black Seal
      • The Island of Doctor Moreau
      • Pharaoh's Curse
      • Edison's Conquest of Mars
      • The Lost Continent
      • Count Magnus
      • The Mysterious Stranger
      • The Wendigo
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      • The Lost World
      • The Red One
      • H. P. Lovecraft >
        • Dagon
        • The Call of Cthulhu
        • History of the Necronomicon
        • At the Mountains of Madness
        • Lovecraft's Library in 1932
      • The Skeptical Poltergeist
      • The Corpse on the Grating
      • The Second Satellite
      • Queen of the Black Coast
      • A Martian Odyssey
    • Classic Genre Movies
    • Miscellaneous Documents >
      • The Balloon-Hoax
      • A Problem in Greek Ethics
      • The Migration of Symbols
      • The Gospel of Intensity
      • De Profundis
      • The Life and Death of Crown Prince Rudolf
      • The Bathtub Hoax
      • Crown Prince Rudolf's Letters
      • Position of Viking Women
      • Employment of Homosexuals
      • James Dean's Love Letters
      • The Amazing James Dean Hoax!
    • Free Classic Pseudohistory eBooks
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