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Review of Ancient Aliens S07E14 "Aliens and the Civil War"

4/10/2015

54 Comments

 
One hundred and fifty years ago this week the American Civil War drew to a close. On April 9, 1865 Robert E. Lee surrendered to Ulysses S. Grant, and four long years of bloodshed reached their conclusion. The sesquicentennial of this epochal event in U.S. history is worthy of commemoration, and the History channel would seem like the appropriate place to mark such an event. So how is a cable channel devoted to history paying homage to these honored dead? Did they explore, for example, the incomplete peace that followed the war, or the legacy of political and racial tensions left in its wake—something highly relevant given current events? Of course not. They told viewers that space aliens were behind the whole endeavor! It’s the perfect encapsulation of the utter worthlessness of cable television. (If you’re wondering, on April 9 itself they devoted the evening to Pawn Stars, that paragon of scholarly contemplation.) 
Ancient Aliens S07E14 “Aliens and the Civil War” marks a change in strategy for the History channel, which moved the program to its smaller sister station H2 in 2012 as part of an effort to take the show’s audience of 1.5 million weekly viewers and use it to build H2’s viewership. Three years later, and amid myriad complaints that the show most closely identified with History’s brand of schlock wasn’t regularly available to the tens of millions of Americans homes that lack access to H2, the new head of programming for History has returned Ancient Aliens to its original home. Along with fellow H2 UFO program Hangar 1: The UFO Files, Ancient Aliens presents the network’s return to out-and-out conspiracy drivel in the wake of the wild success of Templar conspiracy hour Curse of Oak Island and the ratings disappointment that was Search for the Lost Giants, which failed to reach the audience reruns of Ancient Aliens drew when sharing the same timeslot in a tryout after Curse. The long and short of it is that History wanted a show with higher ratings and a younger-skewing audience, and aliens beat Bible giants every time.

Special note: Sometime after season 7 began, the production company retroactively renumbered some of the season 7 episodes as season 6 episodes (the season for which they were produced), so this episode, while the fourteenth since H2 announced the “premiere” of season 7 is also listed as S07E09 because it was the ninth episode produced for the seventh season. 

The Episode

This episode is notable for being one of the few not to feature Giorgio Tsoukalos at all, making it a very odd choice for the first episode of the show on its new network, especially since Tsoukalos was literally the only thing in the promos the network ran. Viewers mist have been very disappointed.



Segment 1

Oh well, the aliens: We start by rehearsing the claim that Joseph Smith’s vision of the angel Moroni was actually a visit from a space alien. This occurred decades before the Civil War, but because in 1832 Smith prophesied that South Carolina would spark a Civil War of North against South this is somehow relevant. However, the “prophecy” wasn’t actually about the Civil War; Smith was reflecting on the 1832 South Carolina rebellion and using that as a pretext for imagining that the state’s actions would spark a wider war. If Smith were a prophet, so too were half the newspaper editors in America. William Henry relates this to George Washington’s vision of an angel at Valley Forge who delivered a prophecy of the Civil War, a story Ancient Aliens told in “Aliens and the Founding Fathers” back in season 3 and now both times has failed to reveal is a known Civil War era hoax written by a known person at a known date—during the Civil War.

Nick Redfern claims that people in Delaware saw a “rocket” in the sky in the 1860s, and other talking heads describe various lights in the sky that similarly resemble what we might think of as meteors (and in some cases hoaxes). No one at the time called them craft, and there is no reason to relate lights in the sky to spacecraft. The newspaper description of the Shreveport, Louisiana sighting of 1860, paraphrased on the show, ought to make clear that there are natural explanations we can apply to these sightings:
Our attention was called to a strange light in the heavens.  On going out into the gallery we had a magnificent view of it.  It appeared to the naked eye, about 300 yards in length, extending from North to West appearing just above the tallest trees.  Its color was that of a red hot stove from the center beautiful rays resembling those of the sun drawing water would ascend to a considerable height, the whole presenting a very beautiful and sublime appearance.  We watched it for about an hour without perceiving it to change any.  
Segment 2
Men described as historians who have written books about the Civil War (though not scholarly or bestselling ones) embarrass themselves by lending their names to drivel about space aliens as they describe the horrors of war. We then hear then some soldiers saw lights around the moon on April 19, 1861, which our heroes think must be spacecraft. Following this, we hear talk of “bizarre dreams” which were sometimes “prophetic.” The show is almost cute in its acceptance of hoaxes and propaganda as legitimate. Gen. McClellan claimed that the ghost of George Washington told him to make a wise decision, but such stories are par for the course in Victorian times. David Childress tells us that space aliens are “most interested” in the United States and have worked to protect and guide America. It should be rather clear that the aliens are simply standing in for what Fox News pundit Sean Hannity famously credited to God. America, Hannity once said, “is the greatest, best country God has ever given man on the face of the earth.” The aliens, serving as God’s green-skinned heavenly chorus, sing similar praises of rapture at the wonders of the United States. American exceptionalism is writ in the stars, and sung by the angels in their sparkling airships.

Segment 3
This segment begins by retelling an apocryphal story about Lincoln seeing a vision of himself doubled in a mirror, anticipating his death in his second term. The story, which Ancient Aliens considers a vision from space aliens, was told only after Lincoln’s death, in Harper’s Magazine for July 1865, where someone claimed to have heard Lincoln tell the story in 1864. Other claims about Lincoln and Spiritualism follow, and the conceit seems to be that the psychics who counseled the president on the advice of his gullible wife Mary Todd Lincoln had “direct contact” (as David Wilcock claims) with “otherworldly beings” who had been guiding Lincoln to save the Union and issue the Emancipation Proclamation. This, I suppose, is a matter of philosophy, depending on the stock you put in psychics. Personally, I put none and cannot see anything in these claims that smacks of the supernatural, or anything but anodyne advice. But I can say this for Ancient Aliens: At least they say that the aliens came down on the side of the Union and freeing the slaves, unlike America Unearthed, its sister show that famously told viewers they “have to admire” the Confederate extremists who wanted to conquer Mexico and the Caribbean in the name of creating a continent-wide slave empire.
Segment 4
David Childress asks if aliens disguised themselves as George Washington to lead the Union forces to victory at Gettysburg since some reported seeing Washington’s ghost at the battle. The narrator asks if this is the “ultimate proof” that aliens are in charge of America’s fate. But since the show can’t fill out a full hour with the Civil War, it injects colonial-era material about the multiple-worlds hypothesis from “Aliens and the Founding Fathers” and recaps Washington’s apocryphal angelic vision for a second time. Note: It remains a hoax. Several talking heads assert that Lincoln dreamed his own death before it occurred, but even the History channel itself admits that the story wasn’t reported until the 1880s. It’s likely apocryphal, but Lincoln did have dreams of sailing across water that he interpreted as predicting great changes or decisions in his life.
Segment 5

Ambrose Bierce is one of my favorite authors; his short horror stories are models of storytelling efficiency. His Devil’s Dictionary is a monument to cynicism and sarcasm that nevertheless makes quite plain its author’s complete lack of credulity in the supernatural. He famously asked how it was that ghosts seem to come dressed in clothes. How, he asked, do “textile fabrics” have the power to “make themselves visible after there is nothing left of them”? But Ancient Aliens feels that Bierce’s fiction doesn’t come from careful plotting and cleverness; instead, they assert that when he was shot in the head, this activated his latent alien-signal receptors, allowing him to access imagination. They retell the plot of “An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge,” and—fuck you!—they claim that in the story Bierce was purposely trying to tell us that “alternate worlds” exist. It’s FICTION, people! Let me share some of Bierce’s actual thoughts about psychic powers. To be psychic powers, he wrote, were “the art and practice of selling one’s credibility for future delivery.” Bierce allegedly met with F. A. Mitchell-Hedges, the fraud who invented the crystal skull myth, and we hear that when Bierce disappeared in Mexico he really went to the cave where Mitchell-Hedges pretended to find the crystal skull and was raptured into the aliens’ dimension. Fuck you, Ancient Aliens. If you’re interested in the facts, the occultist Sibley S. Morrill invented the story for the book Ambrose Bierce, F.A. Mitchell-Hedges and the Crystal Skull (1973). The claim derives from the assertion that Mitchell-Hedges (who never mentioned Bierce in his letters or journals) visited Pancho Villa at the same time as Bierce in 1913 and 1914.

Segment 6
In the last segment we look at the Statue of Freedom atop the Capitol building in Washington, and the ancient astronaut theorists claim she is a space alien. That would be news to Confederate president Jefferson Davis, who, as Mississippi senator before the Civil War, personally approved the design as a compromise that would avoid looking too much like it was supporting the idea of “freedom” for those, you know, black people. A liberty cap was replaced with a headdress to avoid suggesting manumission. The ancient astronaut theorists, though, see the use of stars—drawn from the American flag (duh!)—as symbolizing nothing. They are space stars and the goddess is therefore a space alien who lives among the stars.

The show concludes with a recapitulation of American exceptionalism, and David Wilcock tells us that space aliens promote democracy and freedom (a laugh considering he told Russian TV last year that they’re working with American leaders to plan global genocide). If their love of democracy were the case, then they seem to have failed miserably in that regard. The aliens seem much more like Zecharia Sitchin’s gold-hungry aliens in favoring plutocracy, if we were to judge from current conditions.

54 Comments
Only Me
4/10/2015 03:41:37 pm

Shittiest. Fucking. Episode. Ever.

Doesn't matter, though; they'll find some way to surpass this one.

I now propose Tsoukalos's Law: Everything we know involves aliens. No exceptions.

Reply
EP
4/10/2015 05:34:03 pm

...except for sex. Sex is about power ;)

Reply
Clint Knapp
4/10/2015 07:32:28 pm

Power through alien hybridization!

Code Breaker
4/10/2015 06:15:30 pm

Why don't your shitting fucking messages get deleted

Reply
Only Me
4/10/2015 08:33:33 pm

If your question is aimed at me, then apparently Jason doesn't feel my comment violates his policy. As the owner, he is the only one with the power to delete comments.

Andy White
4/10/2015 03:44:38 pm

Agreed. I did not find a single idea of interest in the first 15 minutes. I turned it off and did something else.

Reply
PNO TECH
4/10/2015 03:50:43 pm

"...and aliens beat Bible Giants every time."
1) QOTD
2) I want to see that Grudge Match!
Thanks again for sitting/sifting through this dreck to parse it out for us: I just can't stomach the actual programs anymore-nor is it pleasant for others to be around while I yell at the babble-box.

Reply
Hypatia
4/11/2015 12:18:18 pm

Ditto.

Reply
EP
4/10/2015 05:32:54 pm

"Several talking heads assert that Lincoln dreamed his own death before it occurred"

I mean... that IS the only possible way to have a dream of one's own's death, isn't it? :)

"Ancient Aliens feels that Bierce’s fiction doesn’t come from careful plotting and cleverness; instead, they assert that when he was shot in the head, this activated his latent alien-signal receptors, allowing him to access imagination."

I see... the future... It holds some Darwin Awards for the viewers and corresponding wrongful death lawsuits for the viewees...

Reply
Code Breaker
4/10/2015 06:14:35 pm

Perfect Example of Pareidolia

Somebody deleted my fucking message

Reply
Hypatia
4/11/2015 12:23:05 pm

This alien pareidolia is advancing swiftly into hallucinosis.

David Bradbury
4/10/2015 11:30:31 pm

To be fair, the Civil War genuinely was prophesied, about 1774, by an alien of sorts: Anglican parson and schoolmaster Jonathan Boucher, who was subsequently forced to return to his native England:
"see ye not that after some few years of civil broils all the fair settlements in the middle and southern colonies will be seized on by our more enterprising and restless fellow-colonists of the North? At first and for a while perhaps they may be contented to be the Dutch of America, i.e. to be our carriers and fishmongers, for which no doubt, as their sensible historian [Edmund Burke] has observed, they seem to be destined by their situation, soil, and climate: but had so sagacious an observer foreseen that a time might come when all North America should be independent, he would, it is probable, have added to his other remark, that those his Northern brethren would then become also the Goths and Vandals of America."
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Jonathan_Boucher

Reply
Jason Colavito link
4/11/2015 02:40:06 am

I think this confuses "prophecy" with "political analysis." It took no supernatural vision to see that a fault line ran between north and south; it threatened to erupt into secession of war many times before the actual Civil War.

Reply
David Bradbury
4/11/2015 11:34:24 am

Straightforwardness was always a major handicap for Boucher. He should have claimed he'd had a vision from God.

Clete
4/11/2015 03:18:45 am

I can remember when the History Channel was actually worth watching. That was probably ten, fifteen years ago. Now it shows the worst kind of quasi-reality crap. Even its shows that are supposed to be "historical" are often filled with factual mistakes that are easily disproven. For example, I read many of the comments about the history channels show "The World Wars". It was even cheaply filmed, often using for world war I weapons not used until world war 2 and many of its conclusions are not accepted by real historians, not the half-wits used by the History Channel.

I have come to the conclusion that the History Channel should change its name to "The quasi-reality, fringe theory Crap Channel".

I conclude that the History Channel's core audience must have the I.Q's and attention span of the average duck.

Reply
mhe
4/11/2015 06:17:12 am

Ah yes, "The World Wars" where Germany bombed London with B-17's and the Japanese Navy had Aegis class missile frigates. The History Channel reached a new low with that abomination. I particularly liked that France was missing from WWI.

Reply
EP
4/11/2015 07:40:41 am

Seriously?

mhe
4/11/2015 08:33:20 am

They were too cheap and lazy to hunt down actual movie footage and pictures appropriate to the historical events they were trying to depict so they used what they felt was close enough. You end up with a narrative of the Battle of Britain while watching a squadron of B-17s or the Japanese Navy depicted by showing a modern warship.

EP
4/11/2015 09:40:23 am

Unbelievable. And they weren't tarred and feathered by all the war nerds?

Andy White
4/11/2015 10:33:55 am

The tanks were wrong too, if I remember. In WWI they had Patton riding around a 1940s M1.

David Bradbury
4/11/2015 11:30:29 am

At a guess, they saved cash by using royalty-free footage, which would rule out most European sources.

mhe
4/11/2015 12:01:26 pm

The nerds were very critical, especially of the props in the dramatizations. Weapons, vehicles, uniforms, canteens, you name it and they found something that was historically inaccurate.

David is most likely correct that they were on a tight budget so if something resembled in some fashion what they were trying to portray and was inexpensive it was good enough.

SouthCoast
4/13/2015 12:57:31 pm

I'd rather watch re-runs of "The BIg Picture" documentary series from my distant childhood.

Bill Nye
7/19/2015 08:47:06 am

I never really watched history when it was good because they just rehashed shit that I already knew usually, so in 'bout 2006 or whenever when all of the 2012 alpacalypse shows were appearing was the time I realised history channel was literally becoming an opportunity for discredited historians to make money lying to idiots.

Then came Pawn Stars, which, sure, may have historic value of some (nonexistent?) sort, but loses whatever value it had when it is used to fill in hours of otherwise-blank timeslots every single night. I suppose they realised Pawn Stars was getting dull so they made all of those spinoff shows to fill in the daytime too.

Reply
lurkster
4/11/2015 05:20:35 am

I'm typically not a fan of F-bombs in my favorite intellectual reading corners of the interwebz. But I am a huge fan of Ambrose Bierce. So I think this review needs more F-bombs, and Jason is being far too kind.

Reply
EP
4/11/2015 07:51:48 am

Nothing wrong with F-bombs, as long as they are tastefully used! :)

Reply
FrankenNewYork
4/12/2015 04:51:05 pm

I think the F-Bombs were used to excellent effect. A lesson in brevity and precision.

Reply
Kal
4/11/2015 09:54:48 am

What's next for AA? Aliens and old kiddie cartoons? Marin the Martian was from Mars after all. How about Aliens and the Hippies, exploring the connection between the drug induced counter culture of the late 1960s and space aliens? How about Aliens and the Feminist movement (sacred feminine, ha)?

How about we bring back the claymation cartoon Celebrity Deathmatch and make characters out of SW and GT and have them rumble in a clay set?

Aliens and Furries, and a nod there to bigfoot?

Aliens and Bronies? (Those people who like that cartoon with the ponies).

Aliens and talking animal shows...

Aliens and the secret History Channel and Illuminati collaboration.

Maybe GT was like, even this season looked too foolish, even for him.


Reply
al k
4/11/2015 12:14:29 pm

GT may have a foolishness filter but I see no sign of it. I prefer to think he took a break to use whatever drug is required to hallucinate something novel in these insipid alien interventionist plotlines. Celebrity Deathmatch would get my vote.

Reply
Hypatia
4/11/2015 12:19:56 pm

Aliens and the Immaculate Conception.

Reply
mhe
4/11/2015 01:23:42 pm

If UFO advocate John Podesta becomes Hilary Clinton's campaign manger would Giorgio Tsoukalos be offered a position as her science advisor?

Reply
EP
4/11/2015 05:06:49 pm

Clinton/Tsoukalos 2016!

Reply
Shane Sullivan
4/12/2015 07:33:52 am

Make it Tsoukalos/Clinton and they'll have a chance. =P

Shane Sullivan
4/12/2015 07:31:49 am

It's fascinating how Bierce coined the words Hastur and Carcosa, but only later did Robert W. Chambers associate the two with the Hyades.

Obviously Chambers learned the words from extraterrestrials, and Bierce psychically channelled the future writings in an imperfect fashion.

That's the only thing that makes any sense!

Reply
George Tsoukalos
7/19/2015 08:52:33 am

Hello. I am a representative of the history channel. We would like to offer you a position as a talking head on an upcoming episode for the next season.

You seem to be reasonable and would do nicely in our episode about the connection between the Ancient Aliens and the United States Postal Service.

Please make sure to contact us to confirm your willingness to appear.

Thank you.

Reply
MartyR
4/12/2015 08:20:39 am

I always thought Stonewall Jackson had an alien look about him.

Reply
Robert Stornetta
4/12/2015 07:04:19 pm

Thanks as always Jason for sharing your thoughts. But please, no more F-bombs. They are dissonant to your sharply honed discourse.

Reply
Colin Hunt
4/14/2015 03:38:38 am

Echoed, however!

I think the F-bomb has hidden meanings. One original graphical representation of ‘F’ was probably a hook. An early Phoenician form of the letter was apparently the predecessor of the Roman letter 'V' (amongst others).

Wow! A hooked letter with a predecessor form of ‘V’! It has to be conspiracy worth a whole program on ‘AU’.

Reply
TonyD
4/14/2015 04:35:35 pm

This was a new episode?
When did this air?

Reply
Joe Scales
4/15/2015 04:41:39 am

Mystery solved. This abomination was put forth to garner interest in yet another Prometheus Entertainment/History Channel venture... Blood and Glory, the colorized Civil War. I started watching the new colorized Civil War documentary until I realized the narrator was the same guy from Ancient Aliens/Oak Island. Sure enough... Prometheus Entertainment. I didn't stick around to see how they'd mangle that bit of history...

Reply
Tony Marino
4/16/2015 06:37:23 pm

A lot of swearing in the episode review and in many of the responses to it. Sounds like Mr. Colavito and many of the respondents to this review REALLY hated this episode. Well,I didn't see this particular episode anyway,but if I do,you guys'll be the first to hear about it.

Reply
HAPSBURG has only one "B" in it...
4/18/2015 07:15:12 am

okaaaaaaaaayyyyy --- Did our benevolent, all wise and well traveled E.Ts actually impel Military Governor Andy Johnson along to an eventual presidency by micro-managing his address book and calendar in terms of block booking or should i blame several delectable bottles or jugs of "shine" and/or vintage bourbon from Kentucky? he was once a well timed political animal. Is A.A actually into "Lets blame the ENTIRE social malaise and/or caste system that created the war on the E.Ts" or are we supposed to draw the line at a certain point of discernment??? once again, an interesting idea... as in very!!!

Reply
Hypatia
4/18/2015 10:03:28 am

'Social malaise' / 'caste system', as in 'peculiar institution'? Have these words been used in A.A.?

Reply
Tony Marino
4/20/2015 10:46:47 pm

I saw a little bit of this recent episode and I have a question. "Ancient Aliens" claims that aliens have been a secret part of our history. I wonder why they would want to bother with us. Don't they have better things to do? Not that we're not interesting but it's a BIG universe out there but surely these aliens have far better things to do and places to go out there in the universe than stick there noses or whatever in our business.

Reply
The GRIM!
5/1/2015 12:53:13 pm

As an avid Civil War student with over 500 books on that war, and having visited the sites over and over, this show is a disgrace! I am so sick of that idiot Childress, tsokalous and the other morons that come on that show and attribute everything to fake aliens! The history channel is a joke now!

Reply
sdstylin1
5/20/2015 08:18:54 am

"Aliens and Farting"
"Aliens and Bad Drivers"
"Aliens and Trees"
"Aliens and Light Bulbs"
"Aliens and Peanut Butter"
"Aliens and .........ALIENS????"

I just blew my own mind

Reply
sdstylin1
5/20/2015 08:33:56 am

Is it possible that aliens are manipulating our bodies to make us fart? And if so, why are they so stinky?
Perhaps proof can be found hidden...in our own DNA.....

Tsoukalous: "We have to ask ourselves the question, do farts originate from 'us' or from somewhere (points) ...out there"

Children's: "It makes you wonder, is there kuind of extraterrestrial connection that makes a human being fart?"

Reply
sdstylin1
5/20/2015 08:52:17 am

Narrator: Why then, are some farts louder...and far more powerful than others? Do some humans have other-wordly abilities? And if so, can these powers be taught to other...average mortals?

Tsoukalous: "I think...and I know this sounds a little crazy...that eksta-terrestrials came to planet earth in the remote past...and taught the ancients not just how to fart....but how to fart loud...because how else now could I possibly know how to do this?"(rips a loud fart)

Childress: "Can it be that our farts are some kuind of advanced technology...given to us by extraterrestrials?"


Reply
jason
8/8/2015 02:25:55 am

If a fart is silent does it really exist?

Reply
sdstylin1
5/20/2015 09:27:05 am

Narrator: San Diego, California May 2015, a man relaxing at his home hears and feels what he, at first, believes to be a sonic boom.
It is later discovered that the loud noise he heard and felt...was a fart. But why then, was this fart so powerful ...that even he himself was unaware of its origin? Was he given orders to fart from an extraterrestrial source? And if so...why?

Tsoukalous: "I have come to realize ...that some farts that I have heard ...could not have originated from here...and from here I mean planet earth. If you look into our remote historical past...you will find no references to farting, and yet somehow...I am able to fart today."

Childress: Maybe we've been genetically uploaded with some kuind of alien farting mechanism...which allows us today to fart really really loud."

Reply
Tony Marino
6/11/2015 08:16:58 pm

I just saw A LOT more of the "Aliens and the Civil War" episode and I can see why this episode got all the negative reviews it got. It had more bull in it than the old Chicago stockyards in their heyday. They weren't even trying here. This episode tests EVEN the best and the smartest among us. Even the most patient among us. I said before and I'll say it again. With all of the universe to explore,WHY would aliens want to stick their noses into our business? Can somebody with a functioning brain cell answer me that question?

Reply
Tony Marino
6/11/2015 08:25:16 pm

Oh,I forgot something. Is there ANYTHING that humans think about or do that "Ancient Aliens" DOESN'T ascribe to aliens? It's just unbelievably stupid. A lot of this stuff would make great science fiction but it's extremely moronic as anything else.

Reply
THOMAS SMITH
9/20/2015 12:12:51 am

ALL THESE EXPERTS HAVE ALEINS ON THE BRAIN... IT'S PRETTY OBVIOUS TO ME THAT ANY CONTACTERS MIGHT HAVE BEEN FROM THE FUTURE... JUST HISTORIANS FROM THE FUTURE... YOU WILL NOTICE THAT THERE IS NO RECORD OF ANY INTERFERENCE FROM THEM...

Reply
JM Williams
4/2/2016 04:27:33 am

"Ancient Aliens and Farting".....now that's an episode I'd actually be excited to watch.

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