Some Suggestions for New Roadside Plaques

Since the state of New Hampshire has decided to begin putting up historical markers to commemorate events that never happened, like the “alien abduction” of Betty and Barney Hill, I have a few suggestions for some other historical markers our nation’s highway departments should erect to commemorate other non-historical events.

SALEM, NH
More than 3,000 years ago, Phoenician sailors crossed the Atlantic Ocean, walked hundreds of miles inland, and began erecting stones in a large circle in Salem, NH for the purpose of telling what month of the year it was before walking back to the sea and sailing home. Despite leaving no traces of their existence, this site, known as America’s Stonehenge, has become the most famous Phoenician monument in southern New Hampshire. Unless the medieval Irish built it.  (Why is this funny?)

CARDIFF, NY
On the afternoon of October 16, 1869, Cardiff, NY resident William C. “Stub” Newell discovered a petrified giant buried in his back yard. Investigators filed reports in many local and big city newspapers explaining that the petrified man was one of the “giants” from the Bible (Genesis 6:4). Despite attempts from “scientists” to prove the giant a hoax, this was the first widely-reported Biblical giant unearthed in the United States. (Why is this funny?)

TOWNSHEND, VT
In September 1928, Townshend, VT resident Henry W. Akeley experienced a close encounter with extraterrestrial beings called Mi-Go and had his brain placed in a cylinder for transport to Pluto. Though he left written records of the events leading up to his abduction, these were not public knowledge until they were leaked by H. P. Lovecraft in Weird Tales in 1931. This was the first widely-reported extraterrestrial brain extraction in the United States. (Why is this funny?)

(Note to the humor-impaired: These signs are fake. They are not real, not going up anywhere, and are intended as satire.)